Kids
and Privacy
We’ve
talked before about the importance of protecting children from threats to their
safety such as stranger danger and on-line threats to their safety and
information. Of course one of the most
important tasks for parents is that of protecting children from harm, and
parents must balance this with respect for children’s privacy. We see the same thing at the national level
particularly in post 9/11 America, where the government must balance protecting
citizens’ safety with respect for individual rights and privacy. Parents face this same struggle, and although
there are no clear cut answers that work for every family just as there will
never be a government policy balancing individual rights, privacy, and
protection that meets with universal acceptance, I believe it is important that
parents acknowledge the need to balance protection with privacy in their
children’s lives and to specifically think about how to best achieve that
balance in their family.
The
child development literature supports the importance of privacy in developing
self-identity and autonomy in children. Early experiences with privacy help
develop a sense of self-esteem and help define the range, limits, and
consequences of individual autonomy.
Particularly
as our children reach adolescence, it is very appropriate that they begin to
separate from their parents as a natural part of growing up, and part of this
process of developing a self-identity is some level of privacy. However,
this is also a time when parents have very legitimate concerns about their son
or daughter's safety as they venture out more into the world on their own. As our kids start to develop their own
identity and make even small strides toward independence, this can feel like an
adolescent is “pulling away.” When a
parent feels a child is pulling away, a natural tendency is to pull the child
in closer. However, this can actually
have the opposite effect of what the parent desires, as the adolescent will
only accelerate their efforts toward establishing independence, and may do so
in a manner that is not as healthy or adaptive.
This
places parents in a bind – you need to keep your child safe and efforts to do
so may infringe upon your child’s privacy, but at the same time your efforts at
doing so may inadvertently lead to either stifled independence or a negative
tug-of-war for independence that may push the adolescent away from the parent
more rapidly than is really healthy.
At
the same time that it is important for parents to respect a child’s privacy,
this respect is not a free pass for adolescents to behave unchecked. If parents are noticing changes in children's
grades, behavior, health, or attitude that cannot be easily explained, parents
may need to infringe on children's private spaces to determine if they are in
an unhealthy situation. Children should be taught that the respect of privacy
is a privilege that depends upon mutual trust. If that trust is broken, privacy
may no longer be a privilege that parents will be able to honor. Sometimes parents
find it helpful to warn children in advance about the limitations of privacy.
However, if parents are concerned that a child will hide or destroy evidence of
a poor choice, such as drug use, they may need to search that child's space
without warning them in advance in order to confront them about such behavior.
Obviously, as an unannounced search of this type will damage children's ability
to trust in parents, such action should not be undertaken lightly.
Respecting
privacy will look somewhat different for every family, as the balance between
respecting privacy and risk for harm will be different for every child
depending on more factors than can be listed here. However, if parents deliberately think about
the balance between privacy and protection, and
recognize the importance of privacy in healthy child development
particularly as the adolescent is nearing independence, then parents will be in
a better position to facilitate a healthy, happy, and adaptive transition for
their child into young adulthood. Things
to keep in mind include:
Consider
your own need for privacy – before you go through your adolescent’s things or
room, ask yourself whether you would be OK with a family member going through
all your things. Does your spouse go
through your belongings without you knowing?
Would you be OK with it if s/he did so?
Thinking about our own need for privacy can give us a reality check so
that we are not overly intrusive into our children’s lives.
Anticipate
privacy issues – before you give your child a cell phone, before you let them
have a Facebook page, etc., think about whether you think your child can handle
this level of responsibility without you constantly looking over his
shoulder. If you are feeling
uncomfortable or think there is a fair chance your child will abuse the
privilege, simply don’t grant access and/or make sure there are lots of
checkpoints in place to monitor their use.
Internet, Facebook, cell phones, etc. are privileges, not rights. If you do allow your child these things, then
have a talk up front with them about the limits on privacy so there are not
surprise inspections later that damage trust.
Don’t
be nosy for the sake of being nosy – unless you perceive a specific concern,
parents should generally stay out of their child’s belongings, journals,
private conversations, etc. Nosy parents
may end up with more secretive adolescents who are simply more skilled at
hiding what’s really going on with them.
Do
little things to show respect for privacy – as simple as it sounds, something
as small as knocking on the bedroom door and asking permission to come in
before entering is a sign of respect for privacy. Again, parents should think about how they
themselves want to be treated and this can provide lots of guidance for actions
that show respect for privacy.
Let
them have their space – again, unless you perceive a specific concern, parents
should let their adolescents stay in their bedroom with the door shut sometimes
(of course not all the time as isolation can inhibit social growth). Unless there are specific concerns, parents
do not necessarily need to know every single thing the adolescent is doing at
every hour of the day.
Get
perspective before acting – there will be times when parents are concerned and
feel the need to infringe upon privacy.
Because doing so can significantly impact the trust-bond between parents
and adolescents for a long time to come, this should not be done without care
and thought. I want to stress that it is
sometimes necessary, but because the consequences of infringing on privacy can
also be significant parents should talk to a friend or spouse to make sure that
1) there really is a good, specific rationale for infringing on privacy and 2)
the parent is at least considering (balancing) the consequences of their
actions in terms of their relationship with their adolescent and the
adolescent’s future behavior (e.g., many adolescents will simply become more
skilled at keeping their life secret from parents when they feel their parents
are too nosy).
